Once again, I find myself at a crossroads. As some of you may know, I write to get it 'right' in my head. Many times I sit down and just let flow what is within. Other times I struggle with what I want to say or articulate. There are some things you have to hold a little closer to you. I feel like if you bare your soul- what else is left for you and you alone? While some things I share are deeply personal, I tend to share it anyway so that someone knows they are not alone in their thoughts and feelings on a particular subject.
Lately, I've gotten an extra push to be great. But every now and then I have to tap into that inner belief that whatever that greatness is- it is in fact possible for me. Hesitation starts to slow my steps and I become so weary of what may happen to me if I jump into anything with both feet. I've expressed this again and again but for some reason it still happens. I'll confess something right now: I worry about losing myself in success. I think about who was great at whichever profession they were known for and instantly think about what life was like for their loved ones. I think about the genius of Miles Davis and his penchant for perfection. And then I wonder what it would be like to ask his children, "What was Daddy like when you were growing up?" He was obviously revered by the world, but chances are he was hardly there for his children. I can recall an interview I saw with Gordon Parks. He said he called his wife in St. Louis from Paris the first time he was there for a photo shoot. He went on about how beautiful the city was before she cut him short by saying, "That's nice. I'm frying potatoes for your children. Have fun." I always feel that if one aspect of your life is bolstered by success- another, sometimes more important factor suffers as a result.
I've spent so much time in life trying my best to be a good daughter, sister, aunt, wife, friend that when it comes to my own professional life I hardly know where to begin. I worry that all these things that essentially make me who I am will fade to black as the proverbial spotlight shines brighter. I have a very tangible fear of losing who is important to me if I throw myself into my work. A fear of not being a good enough daughter, sister, friend, etc. Very recently it's been brought to my attention that all things are possible. I've heard it before but for the first time, I actually listened. I actually believe it. So much so, that I feel the fear of being great at whatever I choose to do starting to dissipate. And I can't front...it feels damn good.
3 comments:
Ahh yes, let it melt away. Another poignant entry, Ms. Neverow. Thank you. I feel that this 'fear' is a very common feeling but many don't aknowledge it. I also feel though that it's this fear, used properly, is what keeps certain "stars" & laymen alike, grounded/focused.
Balance is the key.To keep yourself & others happily satisfied at the same time will always be some type of issue, i feel. It makes me think about that quote from who knows that says, "I can't tell you the key to success. But I can tell you the key to failure;... trying to please everyone.
Being good isn't always how you treat others, but how you treat yaself. Self Preservation leads to constant elevation (hey, that rhymes =)). Thanks again for this entry. I was kinda just zoning & talkin' to myself with this. Keep on feeling damn good, Jane. Until next time......Peace.
Seems like our brains are in sync. This has been my struggle this week as well. And while the creative juices are definitely flowing this week, I am fearful of sharing the really gritty details of my soul. It will come out eventually; once I let go of my fears.
Yes Eve, that's all we need to do is let go of our fears. At the end of the day- someone will benefit from your shared experiences, no matter the scale. Do your thing!
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