Panty Free Zone : Fridays Only

"She might not have no draws but I bet she won't forget the hot sauce."- Erykah Badu

First off, this one's not for the prudes. Bounce. Okay. Now...I don't know if it's been officially declared. I'm pretty sure I'm not the first to kick this idea around- but seriously, there needs to be a National No Panties Day on the calendar. A Friday, for sure. Few things are as sexy and as liberating as walking around knowing that you have no undergarments on but everyone is none the wiser. Before everyone gets their panties in a bunch (but decides not to join me and toss them over your shoulder) hear me out for sec. As long as you can pull it off (no pun intended- I swear) why not? Picture it. A nice form-fitting skirt sans hosiery over a bare naked ass...there is nothing like it. Let me tell you. You walk differently. You smile more. You feel like the sexiest bitch on the planet. Because at that very moment, you are. I don't recommend this sort of thing on the daily but once a month wouldn't hurt. More often in the summer makes perfect sense to me. Ladies, if you do decide to take the plunge, bear in mind a few things:

• Your hygiene must be up to par. Look, you know when things ain't all good in Southland. If you can't walk around with the butterfly floating fresh and free- don't even bother. Aromas, leakage or any other issues are a no-go. 'Nuff said.

• Check the forecast the day before. If it's gonna be a windy day worthy of a toupée alert or tiny dog warning - you may want to nix wearing a flouncy skirt with nothing underneath. Breezy? Yay. Blustery? Nay.
  

• If you're worried about your Hoo-hah making it to an upskirt website- stay off the escalators at the mall. There are fifteen year old boys out there with very sophisticated camera phones...waiting just for you.

• Be mindful of your car exit strategy. I've coached several people on limousine exit techniques over the years. The rule of thumb actually goes in reverse here. You don't want to look as though you're popping out of a cake at your cousin's wedding- so the key is to step out shoulders back, toe first. Take panties out of the equation and the opposite is true. Picture gracefully climbing out of a swimming pool. Arms forward, securing your weight. Head first, right? Good. Practice makes perfect- unless of course you don't mind showing the pervs across the street your Britney.

• On this particular day, throw on your Next Top Model walk. Hold eye contact a little longer than you normally would. Even if you only need a basket for a few things, get behind a cart at the supermarket and roll down the aisles. Ever. So. Slowly. Confidence is key.

• Unwritten rule: Intentionally allow at least one random individual to sneak a peek. Or not.

• Lastly, it doesn't hurt to let just one person in on your little secret since it's way sexier than Victoria's. Preferably via phone or text message. Trust me. They will literally count the minutes until they can see for themselves if you were telling the truth or not. Chances are, they won't be able to contain themselves once they learn you weren't bluffing. The rest is completely up to you.

Now, I know there are tons of underwear in that top drawer of yours. Lacy thongs. Boy shorts. Tangas. String bikinis. Knickers. You name it. But until you've gone commando for an entire day- you're evading pure sexiness and sensuality in all its glory. Why? Try it now. Thank me later. It's not nasty. It's not freaky. (Well, maybe a little...) It's just one more thing to bring you closer to yourself. It's as close to going naked as you can get without stopping traffic and catching a public indecency charge. Free your mind and your ass will follow.

And "Fellas, if you can't afford it...I think you need to video tape record it."




Let's end all this with one of the finest odes to the cornerstone of lingerie by one of the greats. The jewel of this one is that he never mentions them... but you know they're ready to be removed. Ladies and Gents...be inspired.

Mr. Good-For-Something

All snowed in and everywhere to go. I hate this. At this very moment, there's approximately 8-10 inches of snow outside of my door. Yes, I am officially snowed in. Which got me to thinking about men and their usefulness. As a lady, if you have a "manfriend" who comes through on the regular and handles his business- is that all that he's good for? I mean, can he change your windshield wipers or that hard-to-reach light bulb if needed? Don't get me wrong. This Bug is very self-sufficient. There have been plenty of things I've done around the house for myself mainly because I live by the "Act As If" credo. The premise is simple. Act as if this help is not readily available and do it yourself. If the undertaking proves to be too great to do alone- only then do I employ the assistance of another. And this has been my train of thought for as long as I can recall. Before I ever had a car, I had every public transportation schedule known to man because I didn't want to rely on anyone for a ride. It's not that folks are entirely unreliable- I just don't like to impose on others.

But every now and then, a man comes in handy for certain tasks. It's nice to know that while he may be able to "lay the pipe", he can also snake the tub without you having to call Roto-Rooter and come out of the pocket. How's that for double entendre? Besides that, there is something sexy about a man who is good with his hands. It shows a level of well-roundedness. And if that fantasy was so far-fetched, there wouldn't be so many adult entertainment films that begin with a Handyman ringing the doorbell of some scantily clad housewife, now would there?

Anyhow, like I said, I'm officially snowed in. Do I have someone to do the plowing, so to speak? Well, I'll say this much- I can handle 8 inches, just not 8 inches of snow. So that problem will resolve itself soon enough. But seriously, Ladies. I suggest making sure that the man you have around can take care of things that are needed firstly- and can then take care of you. And if you run down your checklist of his skills and abilities- and find that he comes up short- that is a clear indication that you should learn how to do some "manly" things for yourself and/or sack Mr. Good-For-Nothing asap. (One last sack won't hurt anyone, right?) I'm not saying that every man has to be Bob the Builder and Lex Steele rolled into one. (You're gonna have to Google both of those references on your own if you're in the dark, by the way. No links here, Kiddies.) It's just that if he's not good at many skills- he better be good at one, feel me? You weigh it out. It's all about choices. And Fellas, now would be good time to cop a Home Improvement for Dummies book... just to up your stock a bit. That's my two copper coins on this matter.

My, aren't we the Fortunate Ones?

I usually don't do fortune cookies. Normally, I have one of those crumbly almond cookies or a slice of orange to freshen my palate after I dine on Chinese cuisine. But every now and then, I crack one of those bad boys open and entertain the thought that it was meant solely for me. Today was one of those days. Sure enough, that little piece of paper held some relevance.

It read: It's never crowded along the "extra mile."

True. So true, indeed. Since I made up my mind that I will give my all to the goals I have set, I find that I am alone and quite alright with that fact. While professional opportunities have been presenting themselves, I am astute in seeing them through. It's a snowball effect and I love it. Does that make me lucky? Fortunate or favored? Who knows. I'd like to think that luck favors the prepared. It wasn't until I made up my mind to close certain chapters in my life and open myself for the best that life had to offer-did these serendipitous events materialize. I deserve it. In my eyes, we all do. I no longer feel the need to ruminate on what went wrong, or rehash events with those from my past. There has already been a dirge for a moment's loss. I have focused up. I'm ready to shake out. No stopping me now, Champ.

By the way, my lucky numbers are 2, 3, 11, 32, 38, 23

The word Spring in Mandarin is Chūn tiān.

You can't say This Bug never taught you anything.

Again Never

Hey there folks...just wanted to share this with you all.
Jay-Z once ryhmed,
" Bite your tongue for no one
and whatever is said take it
how they want
a closed mouth don't get fed.
You know my number when it's code red."

The irony of this Hip-Hop quotable is the fact that I applied that little nugget of wisdom on one occasion and was not disappointed. The following is the actual letter of complaint that I wrote:

To Whom It May Concern:

On Thursday April 20th,2006 I visited the 40/40 Club for the first time. My guest and I ordered and paid for our drinks on the upper level, then moved downstairs where we were about to take a seat at one of the tables. Before we were able to sit down, one of your servers scurried over to inform us that,"These seats are only for people ordering food." I was somewhat unnerved by the assumption that we would not order food, mostly because he did so without so much as even offering a menu. We requested a menu & he seated us. Upon placing our order, not even 5 minutes later, the same waiter told us that a party of 10 just walked in and they will be needing the entire space where we were sitting. Before waiting for our approval or even a response, he ran over to another section to request the same of four young ladies. This arrangement would have seated us with people we did not know & would have made for an uncomfortable time there. I should mention that the four ladies were less than thrilled at his suggestion also, and made no attempt to make room for us, rightfully so. We decided to leave. Once outside, your waiter again ran after us & went so far as to LIE to the bouncer outside saying that we were walking out on a tab! From what I understand, in order to walk out on a tab, we would have to consume what was ordered & be given a bill before deciding to leave without paying. Nothing of the sort happened. He barely had time to give the kitchen our order before he rudely told us we had to move so a party of 10 could have our seats. The experience was downright insulting. Just because a larger party/gratuity came in does NOT give any staff member the right to undermine other patrons. Our money was just as green. I am not looking to complicate the lives of anyone associated with the 40/40 Club, but I do expect that this matter be addressed. I will dutifully take my complaint elsewhere if you do not feel this warrants your concern. I am positive that the New York Daily News will be happy to relay my experience to the people of New York City. We enjoyed our time there before it abruptly ended with being insulted as second class patrons. Thank you in advance for your attention to this matter.

Yours Truly,(No need to sign my government - you get the picture)

...So the end result? I was contacted by the General Manager two days later and profusely apologized to. On top of that, I was compensated with a voucher for $1500 plus bottle service for the Remy Lounge, which I promptly gave away because I had no desire to return to that place ever again. The lesson here: A succinct, strongly worded letter gets results. No need to act up or be crass. A thinly veiled threat of negative press apparently doesn't hurt either. And so...the squeaky wheel gets the oil. Ha!

Thanks Jigga Man.