Give the Lady A Hand

Better late than never is what I always say. I saw this Infomercial a few months back late one night. I sat there, jaw on the floor at the spectacle I was witnessing. My first thought? 'Hmmm, suggestive much? I can't be the only one that sees the hilarity in this.' Then I figured who needs to spend $19.95 on this contraption when any appendage will do. Sure enough, the comments on Youtube let me know I wasn't alone. Judging from the smiles on the model's faces, clearly everybody is happy in the ending. To be fair, there's a thin line between ridiculous and genius. Let's applaud one man's attempt to improve the quality of life...one Manual Gig at a time.

Radio Killed the Young Money Star

"I suppose,
I just wanna be,
I just wanna be successful."

It wasn't that long ago that I first heard about Drake. I had no idea what he looked like. I had no clue that he used to be on DeGrassi High. I just knew that I liked what I heard. He had a different sound and his production was tight. Drake has a laid back arrogance that I really haven't seen in a long time. He was fresh, yo. But before I could blink he was everywhere and got stale faster than an open bag of Coco Bread. With no concrete album release date in sight- his singles could be heard in steady, dizzying rotation on the airwaves. At first it was cool but I started to tire of him quickly. By the time he announced that he was signing with Li'l Wayne's Young Money label, I had pretty much had enough of Drake. It's not entirely his fault. Overexposure of new artists happens all the time. When the powers that be find a formula that works- they are not quick to deviate from it. Especially when the Artist Du Jour crawls out from under a virtual rock and captures the attention of the public with ease. The problem with that is it gives the listening public more of a chance to critique what they are hearing. They form a more decisive opinion. For someone who claimed, "The game need change and I'm the muthafuckin' cashier..." he started to sound more and more like Kanye West and Li'l Weezy rolled into one to my ears. Ordinarily this wouldn't affect me, but recently I've been subjected to a lot more radio play than I am accustomed to. So much so, that at this point I don't give a shit when his album drops. Through radio, Youtube and other online media resources I've had enough of Drake. And this is coming from someone who just merely months ago was backing this promising young rapper. I say rapper because I don't really consider him a lyricist. He has witty lines and a decent delivery. By the time he debuted the video for what would be better called "Breast I Ever Had" I had all but lost interest. Seriously, jugs galore won't distract everyone- just mostly everyone. Who's fault is it? I dunno. But if Video Killed the Radio Star, then Radio should definitely do a bid for killing the Young Money Star before he truly got it poppin'. Just my two copper coins on this matter.

Out.

Why Beat Around the Bush?

Okay, I just saw the above commercial on TV and just about fell out of bed. Are they serious? I know things are different these days. Brazilian waxes can come up at the breakfast table and no one will bat an eye, now. I can recall a time when pruning the Lady Garden was not an openly discussed matter. But this ad has all the subtlety of a jackhammer. Pretty women on their way out the door, ready for the world...now that the bush has been minimized. I can just imagine the creators of this commercial sitting around- kicking around ideas for the pitch.

Ad Man 1: Hmmm...Schick TrimStyle. TrimStyle...Trim. That's what it does. It trims the hedges. How do we illustrate that?

Ad Man 2: Why don't we show hot young chicks doing their everyday thing...but with little hints of bushes shrinking in the background? We'll use CGI. It'll be great.

Ad Man 1: Right...no shrubbery was harmed during the making if this commercial. Diminish the bush- not a lot, just a little. I mean, it's just a razor after all. You think they'll get it?

Ad Man 2: Of course they'll get it. Okay wait...Why don't we throw in a triangular bush at the end! You see where I'm going with this?

Ad Man 1: I freakin' love it. Get the storyboards drawn up. This is gonna be hot!

Forget love. I'd rather fall in chocolate. On second thought...

Good Lord. This is beyond disturbing. I can't quite put my finger on it. Is it the weird permanent smile on that otherwise bittersweet face? The wild, vacant (most likely edible) eyes? His all too happy, pep-in-the-step gait as he moves vigorously through his day; his sweet bodily bits ravaged by sexy chocophillic White women all over town? I don't know, but a shudder travels down my spine with each viewing.

(This Bug closes her eyes tightly while repeating, "It's only an Axe commercial. It's only an Axe commercial. It's only...")

And you thought this guy was creepy. Jeez !

Rub Here, Get Happy

My sister has an eye for the goods. I say this because there has never been a time when she wasn't in possession of the latest product that is simply fantastic for your hair, nails, skin, you name it. She never disappoints. Well here I am at her place last night, washing dishes when I discover her hand cream du jour on the kitchen counter. It seems ordinary enough. That is until I pick up the bottle and begin to read the label. Oh, how I wish I could get an accurate photo of the text but alas- my camera sucks. But please believe me, Folks. On my best day I could NOT make this up.

Behold Dream Dream Olive Oil Lotion:


When read aloud with zero pretense, the results are noteworthy. The following is taken verbatim from the back of the serene green bottle:

Usage: Soak the body, and gets
appropriate amount native product
slowly in the way of the hand
Massage all over. When being used
the pretty part of the body, adjust
the belly and the waist and greatly
Leg and lower leg is added more
than expected massaging.

Wait one damn minute! First of all, what exactly are we soaking our bodies in? The dreamy potion or just plain old H2O before we lube up? And make sure you 'gets' the right amount of that 'native' product because the entire gesture is useless if an alien paste has landed in your circumference and shape-shifted its way into this superior emerald vessel. While we're at it, exactly which part of the body is so pretty anyway ? Hmmm... So, why are we adjusting bellies and waists again? And greatly what?! (clutches proverbial pearls) Was there an agreement to bump uglies and I didn't get the memo? There's even the allusion to a happy ending if you get the lower limbs involved. (wink wink) But wait! There's more!

Just above the bar code reads:

It contains olive and natural sea
salt.
Effects: Nourishes and activates
skin; Removes toxin; Anti-wrinkle;
Dispels the bodily unusual smell
etc...

"It" contains olive (black or pimiento?) and sea salt- okay? That's all YOU need to be knowin'- thank you very much. Who has time to list all those other irrelevant ingredients permeating your derma? The proof is in the pudding viscosity. This product does it all ! I'm sold. That's it. I'm tossing all of my Olay and Dove toiletries. Stat. And who needs deodorant when my trusty olive oil elixir promises to rid me of unnatural stink. I'll say this... Somewhere out there is a freshly unemployed copywriter high on Crack with a questionable command of syntax and the English language. Truth be told, I can't stop luxuriating in this peculiar stuff with the convoluted instructions. The et cetera of the last line bespeaks treasures untold. Who knows what other extraordinary results I may yield with continued...um...massaging. Wait here, I'm revolutionizing the Dirty Martini with this little green Godsend as we speak.

I am giddy with the serendipity of it all !

Effective Advertising or Just Plain Rage?

The name Kelly Forbes may not immediately ring bells. Aside from the controversy which normally surrounds a story of a wife killing her husband, there was nothing particularly special about this news item. But this story caught my eye and didn't let go. For one, the suspect in question was from Trinidad and Tobago. Instantly, that fact alone drew me in. I read the article and said, "Aww Hoh...a Trini make de news?" As I read on, the details of her husband's death made the story all the more fascinating to me. It turns out, this woman at 5'5 and 150 lbs. was able to overpower and strangle a man who outweighed her by 100 lbs. and stood at least a foot taller than she. A toxicology report revealed there were no sedatives found in Michael Forbes' system. Investigators were baffled.

To make things even more interesting, the weapon of choice was an orange, heavy-duty extension cord. You know, the kind that no one seems to have until there's a block party and soon they're running down driveways,criss-crossing the pavement to provide the tunes at the proper decibel. Yeah, that kind. Anyway, my sister and I sat around one day discussing the tragedy and humour of this story. She looked up from the paper and remarked, "Man, yuh mustn't piss off a Trini woman, eh? Yuh doh know what dey can do!" We chuckled about it and then she went on to say that the extension cord must have come from Home Depot and may have even cultivated some courage in Mrs. Forbes to pull off such a task. "How so?" I asked.
We erupted into laughter when she reminded me of their slogan.


I don't want to trivialize the death of a man. Loss of human life is always sad and I wish it had not been the case. But I can't help but wonder that perhaps there is such a thing as too effective advertising. Kelly Forbes is shrouded in mystery. We don't know if she was an abused woman who simply snapped, or if she's an evil woman with Gladiator-like strength on reserve. What we do know is that she found more than one use for an extension cord. No block parties were scheduled by the way. Trinidadians have a saying. "Stone fall in yuh garden." It means you have guilt about something you have done. Well, they seem to have fallen around Kelly Forbes. A jury has convicted the Long Island woman of manslaughter, rejecting her claims of self-defense.


It seems to me that everyone would have been better off had she applied the slogan of Home Depot's main competitor to her marriage instead.

Perhaps they would still be newlyweds, both alive and constructing a life as one...No extension cord needed.