Ah so it go

"There's no easy quick way out, we're gonna have to live through our whole lives. Win, lose, or draw." - Walt Kelly

Every now and then- I have a habit of unplugging. It starts with my social networking. The FB page gets deactivated. Then it moves to the phone. It goes straight to voice mail. If I happen to turn on the TV, it's usually just for some background noise which I eventually tune out. Maybe I'll leave the blogs alone for a little while. I do these things to find center. To remove myself from routines and trances that I find myself in. Sometimes it works. Admittedly I'm doing some soul-searching. I recently had a birthday last week and in a matter of days I was re-examining everything that led up to it. True to my zodiac, I retreated into my shell where it felt safe. I tend to pull away from everyone and everything in an effort to see where it will all be once I reemerge. I silently ask questions like, 'Was I missed?' 'Did they need me?' 'Did they even notice?' Juvenile, I know. But I should get points for being honest.

Well I'm trying something different this time around. I'm starting to look for answers outwardly. I'm allowing people to show me where I fit into their lives- instead of fighting for a spot in it. I'm staying connected to technology because right now, it's a decent outlet...or escape. Writing has always been therapeutic for me. Perhaps I should begin to compile my story now. At the pinnacle. At the exact moment that I can pinpoint the shift in my life. I just want to put a cap on the things that keep me in limbo and uncork all the things that will allow me to be me to the fullest. Finding yourself can mean stepping out of that comfort zone- that false sense of security or it can mean clinging to what makes sense in fleeting moments. I honestly don't know at this point. One thing's for sure. I have to strike a balance on my own without checking out. The last time I let that go on for too long, I lost a good job. I isolated myself from friends and family. I tortured myself with thoughts of what I should have done and why. I refuse to walk that path again.

Presently, I don't have the means to just book a flight and get away from it all. And truly, what would I be getting away from? You can't run away from yourself. So I've decided to stay firmly planted. Keep searching for myself until I find something to embrace. And when I find it, I won't be so quick to share or squander it. I can't help what baits the catch. My heart is always out here for all to see. It always has been. This site is evidence of that. But this time around, the plan is to keep what is worthy of keeping and toss back what is no good for Jayne. There's only one life to live. I'm well aware of that. But remaining in a stagnant mind state or worse, adopting one that is clearly not the right fit- is no way to live it. With every end comes a new beginning. Todo Tiene Su Final. Start or finish, I hope to find some peace. Soon.

"We don't say- Hey that's the breaks. We say- Yo, Ah so it go."
-Kardinal Offishal (Bakardi Slang)