That'll Learn Ya

Grappling with writer's block on this fine Friday night, I've decided to go with my old stand-by: The list. In this particular case, the list consists of random things I have learned over the years. It's been an amusing and at times, wild and scary ride. And I don't regret a stitch of it.

1. Cops do not possess a built-in lie detector test. They will believe you until you give them reason not to.

2. An entire busload of people will laugh at you if you fall running for the bus. This includes the sweet bus driver lady who up until that moment- always seemed above that type of thing.

3. Gravel embedded in your palm really, really stings- after you break a fall...running for the bus.

4. If a man says that his wife doesn't understand him anymore- he means that she understands him all too well and he cannot bullsh*t her anymore.

5. Wearing brand new, straight-backed motorcycle boots are not the wisest choice of footwear for a night of heavy drinking. If no one is around to help remove them, you will wake up with those puppies on.

6. The most annoying commercial will only show up on TV when the remote decides to keep Jimmy Hoffa company for a few.

7. In strip clubs, if the ladies room door is a stone's throw away from the dressing room, the..um... employees will more than likely try their damndest to recruit you.

8. Most people only sit through the Govinator's old movies to hear his hilariously pronounced one-liners. "Ruuhn! Go! Get to duh Choppah!"

9. Almost any love song can be transformed and interpreted as a gospel song with the simple replacement of a few pronouns.

10. It is possible to board a plane with ID constructed at your local Army/Navy story if you kick up enough dust with the airline. Well, it was possible. I seriously do not recommend trying that now.