Chivalry: May it Rest in Peace.

I swear, people never cease to amaze me. There are times when it's better to just shut the hell up and keep it moving. The problem is that some people lack that little fleck of common sense. Picture it: Days ago. 5:30ish. Gray outside and nearing dusk. I leave work in my clunker car and drive about two blocks on a side street before I realize there's trouble in Clunkerville. I pull over, throw on my hazard signals and get out to investigate the problem. Now, I have to put you in the scene. I was dressed professionally- read: Sharp as a pushpin in my high-waist, fitted beige slacks, chocolate brown wraparound blouse and signature 4 inch stilettos. One might say a little too sharp to be pushing a hooptie- but we all know I'm a struggling writer/Nine to fiver just striving to live comfortably. If the papes come... you know the drill. Anyway, the point is that I didn't look like some derelict at the side of the road. I looked like what I was. Just a woman who might need some help.


Between eight to ten cars passed me like a full bus before a nice lady with a thick Spanish accent stopped to make sure I was okay. She asked if I needed to use her phone (which I didn't since I have my own) and suggested a quick fix that would at least get me to the nearest gas station. Shout out to Elizabeth. You are the genuine article, Mamí. Long story short I made it home. But that's not where the story ends. Less than ten minutes later I'm standing on line in a drugstore close to my home. A grown man in his late thirties/early forties sidles up to me. He's casually dressed and when he opens his mouth to speak, I immediately notice that he's had his top teeth capped like Matt Dillon in Something About Mary- but clearly his paper wasn't long enough to get the crooked bottom ones fixed. There's a galaxy of difference between the minty Chicklets on the top row and the little yellow stragglers on the bottom in his trap.


"Oh! That was you under the car just now? I wasgonnastop but..."
(That's not to build suspense by the way. He literally trailed off.)

"Sure you were." I say coolly.

"No- for real, I was. Um...you alright, though?"

*Blank stare*

At this point, I'm thinking of all the things I can say to publicly embarrass this dickhead. But sometimes silence is the sharpest sword. I continue to look at him as if he's speaking Mandarin and my Rosetta Stone still hasn't come in the mail. This asshole had the nerve to drag it.

"I'd love to see you again. Let's talk about this later."

This part he was saying to my freshly turned, perfectly postured back. Really? Seriously dude. Seriously? Trying to get my number after admitting you're an inconsiderate schmuck? Get the fuckouttamyface! Anyone who doesn't know better than to point out to a lady what a gentleman he wasn't just minutes earlier deserves much more than being ignored. Eventually, he walks away with his head down. My friend later jokingly suggested letting the air out of his tires so I could drive by his stranded ass at the side of the road ten minutes later. *Beep Beep* No need, though. Karma is nothing but a bitch with an impeccable memory.

Just another day in the life of This Bug. All I can do is shake my head...and leave you with these wonderful words from the late, great Dr. Suess. This one's for the Chicklet Toothed Jerkface:


The time has come.
The time is now.
Just go, go. Go.
I don't care how.
You can go by foot.
You can go by cow.
But will you please go now?

You can go on skates.

You can go on skiis.
You can go in a hat.
But please go. Please.

Chicklet Toothed Jerkface,
I don't care how.
Chicklet Toothed Jerface,
Will you Please. Go. Now.


A clear cut case of someone not knowing how to leave well enough alone. (Sigh) You can't make this shit up.