Rub Here, Get Happy

My sister has an eye for the goods. I say this because there has never been a time when she wasn't in possession of the latest product that is simply fantastic for your hair, nails, skin, you name it. She never disappoints. Well here I am at her place last night, washing dishes when I discover her hand cream du jour on the kitchen counter. It seems ordinary enough. That is until I pick up the bottle and begin to read the label. Oh, how I wish I could get an accurate photo of the text but alas- my camera sucks. But please believe me, Folks. On my best day I could NOT make this up.

Behold Dream Dream Olive Oil Lotion:


When read aloud with zero pretense, the results are noteworthy. The following is taken verbatim from the back of the serene green bottle:

Usage: Soak the body, and gets
appropriate amount native product
slowly in the way of the hand
Massage all over. When being used
the pretty part of the body, adjust
the belly and the waist and greatly
Leg and lower leg is added more
than expected massaging.

Wait one damn minute! First of all, what exactly are we soaking our bodies in? The dreamy potion or just plain old H2O before we lube up? And make sure you 'gets' the right amount of that 'native' product because the entire gesture is useless if an alien paste has landed in your circumference and shape-shifted its way into this superior emerald vessel. While we're at it, exactly which part of the body is so pretty anyway ? Hmmm... So, why are we adjusting bellies and waists again? And greatly what?! (clutches proverbial pearls) Was there an agreement to bump uglies and I didn't get the memo? There's even the allusion to a happy ending if you get the lower limbs involved. (wink wink) But wait! There's more!

Just above the bar code reads:

It contains olive and natural sea
salt.
Effects: Nourishes and activates
skin; Removes toxin; Anti-wrinkle;
Dispels the bodily unusual smell
etc...

"It" contains olive (black or pimiento?) and sea salt- okay? That's all YOU need to be knowin'- thank you very much. Who has time to list all those other irrelevant ingredients permeating your derma? The proof is in the pudding viscosity. This product does it all ! I'm sold. That's it. I'm tossing all of my Olay and Dove toiletries. Stat. And who needs deodorant when my trusty olive oil elixir promises to rid me of unnatural stink. I'll say this... Somewhere out there is a freshly unemployed copywriter high on Crack with a questionable command of syntax and the English language. Truth be told, I can't stop luxuriating in this peculiar stuff with the convoluted instructions. The et cetera of the last line bespeaks treasures untold. Who knows what other extraordinary results I may yield with continued...um...massaging. Wait here, I'm revolutionizing the Dirty Martini with this little green Godsend as we speak.

I am giddy with the serendipity of it all !