So...What's It Like Down There?

I consider myself a fairly reasonable gal when it comes to fashion. I won't part with an obscene amount of money for the "perfect" pair of jeans. I refuse to freeze my ass off for sake of looking cute. I'm older and wiser now. But there is a part of me that simply cannot conform when it comes to shoes. In my humble opinion there is nothing flattering about flats. I hate them. To put it bluntly: I was born in heels. This Bug happens to have a mean shoe game. I'm not sure when it happened exactly but it's been the case for some time. I am deceptively short. But I walk around in 4 inch heels 70% of the time. So much so- that when I am seen in sneakers or Tims, most people who think they really know me often marvel at my actual height.


I do just about everything in heels. 3 and 1/2 inches or better. To the right is an actual photo of me changing a fuse for my niece quite comfortably in a pair of my signature stilettos.

Well lately I've been reconsidering flats for practical reasons. I stood for the better part of five hours in my trademark stilts the other day and was cursing the day I ever put them on. Why I was standing for that long is another entry. Anyway, I started kicking the idea of flats around. But there's only one problem. They suck. My friend suggested I take baby steps. A kitten heel. A kitten heel? Are you fuckin' kidding me? Unsexy.



How hideous is that shit? What is the point? I just can't do it. So I might as well step all the way down to those ballet slippery thingees. But when I looked into those I was only turned off more. There is something about heels that compliments my ankles, my calves and my runway walk that I can't resist breaking into when I'm faced with a long corridor. It's not entirely my fault, either. This Bug happens to have a considerable arch in her foot. My feet need to be on an incline. Where most people would be pained wearing heels, flat shoes tend to bother my instep after a while. And they just look plain awful. I'm sure there are some women out there that can make a flat shoe look fabulous. I'm just not one of them. When I made this point to her she then asked me a very valid question. "You want hip replacement surgery like Prince?" It gave me pause. I vaguely recall the Purple One needing an operation some time back- but I always charged that to the endless splits he did during his electrifying performances. The fact that he rocked heels for the past 20 plus years contributing to the problem never occurred to me. I don't want no damn hip surgery. Ever. So this weekend I'm going shopping for some more (gulp) pragmatic albeit matronly footwear. Pray for me. I may need a chaperone. You know, just to make sure I don't come back home with these...