March 15, 2012

Here and Now

When I was younger, I was never much for planning. Or dreaming for that matter. There were always things I wanted to do- but mostly, I just lived in the moment. I can remember being in a club one night back in my early twenties when I met this guy who seemed ultra full of himself. He talked about money a lot (an instant turn-off for me) and how he had this life plan...blah blah blah. I sipped my vodka cran and feigned interest (unsuccessfully) for entirely too long. When he seemingly grew tired of talking about himself, he asked me a question I'd never been asked before. Well that's not true. I'm sure some variation of it had been asked on a job interview but never, ever in a club. "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I can remember thinking, 'I dunno dude- but I see myself on the dance floor away from your boring ass in less than five minutes.' It just seemed pretentious. Who the hell was he to judge my ambition or life plan? And how the fuck was that good conversation for a loud nightclub? I felt like telling him to kick rocks in his hard-bottomed church shoes.

Needless to say, I've never been big on that question because I don't have an answer for it. Some may call it lack of ambition or lackadaisical but I just see it as living in the here and now. Men plan while God laughs. Isn't that the saying? Maybe it's because most of my life has been lived on whims and circumstances- I haven't really seen a blueprint yet that I've followed to the letter. It might benefit me to set some short-term goals. But I think I have plenty of those. Pay down this astronomical debt. Take another writing class. Bake a red velvet cake from scratch. Call my rental office about the weak ass water pressure. There's a fine line between stagnation and perpetual movement. I am the line. I could chalk that up to me being a side-walking Cancer or being a fan of serendipity. Or maybe I'm just not into long-term goals. Whatever it is, I don't know how to be any other way. I can't project myself into the future. I've never owned a planner. I know where I plan to be next week; at work, biding my time until it's time to be...wait for work! But those precious moments between jobs, the rest and relaxation that seems to be amiss lately, is something I can't plan around. At lease, not while I'm in the here and now. I just have to be in it, get through it and live the life that's meant for me.


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