So hard

con·fi·dence : belief in oneself and one's powers or abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance


There's a scene in The Warriors where the characters pictured above are coming from a long, hellish night that seems far from over. They just want to get home. The train stops and two couples board amid laughter and revelry. All are dressed as though they are coming from a prom or some sort of formal party. They sit across from Mercy and Swan and the giggling stops once the couples observe one another. They are all of six feet and many, many worlds apart. Mercy, with her smudged dress and worn look begins to feel self-conscious. She brings her hand to hair in a fruitless effort to appear neater. Next to her, Swan takes his own hand to bring hers back to her lap in one instinctive and deliberate movement. There is no change in his expression- and he never takes his eyes off the pair across from them. He knows exactly what she is feeling. Wordlessly he tells her: Don't you dare be ashamed. They are no better than you. Than us. And she gets it. She leans her head back in a final state of tired but at peace resignation. The tension in the subway car is so unbearable that the party-goers get off at the next stop and return to their comfortable, self-absorbed lives. Even if they are now slightly tinged by the faces they just encountered. The scene begins about 2 and half minutes in if you care to watch it here. Powerful in it's subtlety.


It's a poignant reminder to us all that we are no more or no less important than anyone else. I have trouble with that sometimes. I'm not sure how it started but self confidence has never been my strong suit. My esteem has always toggled between mock confidence out of pride if nothing else- and a disdainful feeling of not measuring up. To who or what in particular depends on the situation, honestly. When I was a little girl, I had a nagging feeling that I wasn't Black enough. I'm a reader before I'm a writer so I always felt as though my work could never compare to the greats that I read. When I was a teen, I was cheated on by my first love with a girl that was physically my polar opposite in every sense of the phrase. For a time it destroyed my already withering confidence. While most of my peers went off to college, I stayed home and worked a sketchy job because of red tape. I didn't even have the proper ID to get into to a club in my twenties, so I became a homebody more out of constraint than preference. So when I assessed my life and where I wanted to be at that point- I had little more than disappointment and a wish for things to be different. It all turned around eventually but I'd be lying if I said that I'm A-Okay now. It hasn't been an easy road.

So many people tout the importance of self worth but I'm still trying to figure it how it's calculated. What is there to attach it to? It has nothing to do with the car you drive or title you hold at your job. It has nothing to do with being better looking than the next person. If it's really about "who you are on the inside" then why do I sometimes feel as though that's not always appreciated? Like it's not enough? I know nothing will stop a tom-catting man from going where he pleases. There is no such thing as the total package but I'd like to think I come pretty damn close. (Hey, that sounded like a breakthrough.) Hard work and persistence may get you the dream job, but they have to see something in you, don't they? You have to believe in what you deserve and more importantly, what you don't. There are times when I believe no one has anything on me. I can touch the sky and even bring a piece back for you. And then there are times when I'm Mercy in that subway car. Needing that reminder that I'm just as good as anyone else in my own unique way. I just have to remember not to compare Jayne to anyone but Jayne.

Out.